My grandmother passed away on August 31st, and many people told me, "It gets easier, but every once in awhile you'll be hit with the grief all over again, randomly. So don't be surprised when it happens." I believed them, but I had no idea it would be like this.
I went to Michael's craft store today to buy some items for a Thanksgiving centerpiece I'm making to show on Home-Ec 101. I got most of the items I needed and thought, "Boy, Grandma's going to absolutely love this centerpiece." And then it hit me like a car slamming into a brick wall- Grandma's gone. She's not ever going to see the centerpiece.
Waves of raw, ragged grief swept over me. It was just like it was when the news was fresh and brand new. I instantly started crying, right there in the middle of the store. It's moments like this that I hate living in the South- people are so nice. An old lady asked me, "Honey? Are you alright?"
And what could I say? That I'm upset because I won't get to show Grandma a craft I'm making? That the floral department was reminding me so much of her that I wanted to run screaming from the store? I said something like, "Yes, well, no. Well, yes. And no. But really, yes." and dashed away.
I got my stuff paid for and got the heck out of there. I bawled like a baby the whole way home. They were right, it hits you at random times. And I shouldn't have been so surprised, but I was anyway. I stand here on the edge of the rest of my life and know I will go through this again when my dad passes away and again when my mom does. And even though it breaks my heart, I know I will have the strength to go through it all over again.
Just, you know. Not if it happens anytime soon.
Add to:
Not to scare you, only prepare you, this wave of grief still creeps up on me 5 years later in regards to my Grammy.
Sorry, I know it's hard.
Posted by: boogiemum | Nov 16, 2007 7:42:54 PM
Holidays have a way of accentuating a loss. The missing signature pie, cake or casserole and the empty chair at the table bring back the grief and sadness of losing my grandmother every year.
It helps me to think of something we laughed about together and somehow the sadness is overshadowed by the happy thoughts.
Another thing that helps me is what you just did: talk about it.
Jan
Posted by: Jan Bay | Nov 16, 2007 11:16:47 PM
I am sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is.
My first experience with death was when I was 15. My cousin AND his best friend both died in a car accident. They were both only 24. This blew my world away for quite awhile. It didn't take much to make me cry about it at any given moment. Even now, 18 years later, the song "Don't Close Your Eyes" by Kix has the ability to bring me to tears. Death is so hard because of the love we feel so deeply for people. Yet, love is what makes life worth living. I hope you can enjoy Thanksgiving and remember the good times with your Grandma. Hang in there!
Posted by: KellyBax | Nov 17, 2007 8:47:27 AM
I lost my Grandmother 3 years ago and I still go through those kinds of moments. She was 90 when she passed away but that didn't matter to me. She was my best friend and I miss her dearly. I can honestly say that I know what you are going through.
Posted by: kathylynn | Nov 17, 2007 12:38:05 PM
The thing that I always tell folks after a loss like this is to remember that there is no "set prescription" for grieving. It isn't like you ever stop grieving such a monumental loss...the grief just changes over time. It's been 16 years since my daddy passed away, and there are still moments when I look at my little girl and I cry because I know how crazy he would've been about her.
Just be gentle with yourself and take care of you during this time. You are strong, and you'll get through it.
Posted by: Ginger | Dec 3, 2007 9:14:02 AM
I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but 2+ years later after my grandmother passed I'm still breaking down here and there. Not even doing that thinking of my dad, it's always when I think of my grandmother.
Just know you're not alone my friend. Love & miss ya.
Posted by: Lynnster | Dec 3, 2007 10:08:45 PM